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Hangovers are life’s reminder that if you drink too much, you’ll suffer.
Pounding headaches, insatiable thirst, a spinning room, and nausea are all synonymous with the morning after a night of heavy drinking.
Aside from the physical pain and regret of one too many beers or Tequila shots come the emotional and psychological fallout of making poor decisions under the influence.
If you’ve ever woken the next morning, slightly delirious and fuzzyheaded asking yourself, “What exactly happened last night?”, you’re far from alone.
Here we’ll outline the different types of hangovers and the symptoms that accompany them.
Put down that Bloody Mary and let’s get into it!
Although munchies are primarily associated with smoking weed, some people experience an insatiable hunger – both during and after their drinking binge.
Cheeseburgers, breakfast sandwiches, Cheetos – if you basically can’t shovel food in your face fast enough, you’re experiencing what’s known as the Hunger Games hangover.
In a pointless attempt to absorb the remaining alcohol from the night before, you reach for every greasy, fatty, carb you can get your hands on.
As you probably guessed, this type of hangover doesn’t normally involve extreme nausea and vomiting. (Although that may come later following that third Big Mac.)
Thanks to science, some people experience this same intense hunger when they’re drunk. Alcohol stimulates the hunger neurons in your brain causing a tiny voice to whisper, “Feed me!”.
The Vampire Hangover
You feel (and look) like death. You think your eyes might burn out of your head if someone so much as turns on a nightlight. You want to hide under the covers forever until this terrible feeling passes.
You’re experiencing the Vampire hangover.
If it were up to you, you’d stay shut in your room until the end of eternity – or at least until the dry-heaving and room-spinning stops. But life doesn’t always work that way. Once you’re forced to actually drag yourself out of bed, you wear dark sunglasses, a hood, and a pissed-off expression.
The good news is most people will probably take one look at you and run the other way, leaving you to suffer in peace.
There’s nothing more annoying than waking up with a mouth that feels like the Sahara desert. You can barely part your dry, cracked lips. Your tongue feels like glue, stuck to the roof of your mouth and your throat is scratchy and sore.
The only thing motivating you to get up is the unwavering need for hydration. You may even be desperate enough to drink directly from the kitchen sink, garden hose, or nearest water source. You’re facing Dehydration Doom.
Dehydration is a common side effect of consuming too much alcohol. If you’ve ever heard the term “breaking the seal”, you know that once you start drinking alcohol, the need to urinate will increase ten-fold.
Alcohol is a diuretic, meaning it causes your body to excrete more liquid through urination. After all, what goes in must come out.
Constant urination quickly leads to dry mouth, fatigue, dizziness, weakness, and you guessed it – the Dehydration Doom hangover.
The Final Stand
That’s it! You’re never drinking again.
Last night was a blur and this morning you can’t see or think straight. You pledge to never ever drink again. It’s the Final Stand hangover.
We’ve all been there. When your hangover symptoms are so intense you can’t bear it any longer, you make a promise to yourself to never do this again. You might even silently apologize to today’s self for the stupidity of last night’s you.
When you vow to never drink again, it’s usually because you can’t fathom ever feeling as terrible as you feel at that moment. You convince yourself that if these are the consequences of drinking alcohol than you’ll be sober for the rest of your life.
That is until the feelings of dizziness, nausea and regret slowly wear off. The questionable text messages you sent and the prayers you made to the porcelain Gods are all a distant memory.
You know that you swore to never drink again but your hangover wasn’t really that bad, was it? You were probably just being dramatic. And before you know it, you’re on the road to another “final” hangover.
Wave of Regret
The memories of last night’s indiscretions slowly creep in. The entire night was a blur. You squint as you strain to remember what actually happened.
Did you really text your ex? Was that you confessing your dying love to your secret crush? And why are you wearing someone else’s underwear?
You’re experiencing the Wave of Regret hangover. This type of hangover is slow-moving. It takes time for your sense of awareness to return. But when it does, it comes with a vengeance.
The proof is all over Facebook and your camera roll. You said some things you didn’t mean and probably did some even worse things.
Your head is now pounding thanks to dehydration mixed with complete shame and disbelief. All that’s left to do is lay low for a few days (or weeks) until the aftermath of your bad decisions is forgotten.
Just don’t be surprised if your actions result in a nickname that you can’t shake for years to come.
The Blackout hangover takes things one step further than the Wave of Regret. During this type of hangover, you have zero recollection of the night before. In fact, you don’t even know how you made it home and into bed.
You search your memory for some glimmer of remembrance but thinking hurts too much so your search doesn’t last long. The only reminders you have are a sore body, broken high heel, and a random phone number in your pocket.
Oh yeah, and that tattoo on your lower back your friend dared you to get. The Blackout hangover can be dangerous and is a sign of alcohol poisoning!
We all know what this acronym stands for – and it isn’t reserved just for the ladies. Just like some people are angry drunks, others are angry when they’re hungover.
If you wake up after a fun night of drinking feeling completely and utterly pissed-off, you’re experiencing the RBF hangover. You hate the world and everyone in it.
Your feelings of anger are probably a result of your own disappointment and disgust with yourself. Why did you let yourself get so drunk?
But none of that matters right now. You’re just mad.
The guy at the coffee shop can’t make your latte fast enough, the person driving in front of you is clearly going slow just to annoy you, and what’s up with those birds chirping?
When you’re suffering from an RBF hangover your best bet is to go back home and wait it out. There’s no need to infect the rest of the world with your negativity.
Take a chill pill and call your friends the next morning.
The Never-Ending Hangover
Will this feeling of death ever go away? Some people are unlucky enough to experience the types of hangovers that go on for days. While this may sound like some cruel joke, it’s not.
Day one of your hangover is filled with all the common symptoms including headache, dizziness, fatigue, confusion, and nausea. Day two is a lot of the same but with some signs of improvement.
Another cause of this type of hangover is the unwise decision to implement the hair of the dog hangover remedy. This ineffective cure involves drinking more alcohol to keep hangover symptoms at bay.
While this might work short-term, your hangover will eventually catch up to you. It’s best just to let it happen and ride the wave.
The “I’m Still a Little Drunk” Hangover
This is one of the less terrible hangovers on this list. It’s when you wake up the next morning and, wait… yep, you’re still a little drunk.
The cause of this hangover is usually a night of drinking that lasts well into the morning hours. Going to bed at 4 a.m. and waking at 11 a.m. still a little drunk is no big surprise. Think about it – you were still actively drinking just a few hours prior.
But some people will hit the rack the night before, sleep several hours, and then wake still feeling buzzed.
One good thing about this type of hangover is that you wake up happy. You’re still relaxed, a little giddy, and completely oblivious to the pain and suffering that’s ahead.
With that said, make sure you're prepared for the delayed hangover that will inevitably follow.
To this we say, enjoy it while it lasts.
The Perfect Hangover
This is the rarest of the hangovers, but if you’re lucky enough to experience it, relish in it!
The perfect hangover involves feeling slightly tired, a little dazed, but mostly in a state of complete bliss and happiness. These hangovers usually follow a night of mellow partying where you kept a perfect, consistent buzz all night long.
Maybe there was some flirting (or even a hook-up), but your morals stayed in-check, preventing you from doing anything regretful. You feel slightly nauseous when you move too fast but that’s not stopping you from enjoying a delicious bacon egg and cheese sandwich.
Shoot, you may even hit the gym later. The perfect hangover is, quite literally, perfect. But it's because you stuck to your limits and didn't drink excessively. This is what the aim should be!
You Can Expect These Types of Hangovers At Least Once in Your Life
This article outlines the good, the bad, and the ugly of hangovers. As a consenting adult, you’ll likely experience one (or all) of these types of hangovers in your lifetime.
In time, you may even figure out which types of alcohol cause which types of hangovers. In the end, hangovers are simply a part of life – the unpleasant side-effect of a good time.